The Frank Wanker letters
A bit of background many be needed for any of this page to make any sense what-so-ever. Last year, Mattel released a series of soft toys called 'Furryville'. Various professions and occupations were included, and portrayed as animals, with various puns as names. Nursing, being an important occupation, was represented by the following toy.
One would think that nurses would be happy as having their occupation made into such a delightful figure. After all, I've been drinking from a 'Trust me, I'm a ducktor' coffee mug since I graduated.
Well, normal sane nurses loved it. However, the Center for Nursing Advocacy took a different view. Their webshite states 'Selling a doll called "Nurse Quacktitioner" would seem to reflect little regard for nurses or public health. That's because the name suggests that nurse practitioners (NPs) are "quacks," a term that has long been understood to refer to untrained persons who pretend to be physicians and dispense medical treatment.' They then go on to launch a campaign to get the dolls banned! As part of this campaign, they had an electronic comments page, which several of my doctor colleagues responded to, stating what an over-reaction the campaign was.
The term 'over-reaction' was then trumped - all those entering contact details received a series of emails from various ranting members of the CNA, which varied from vexatious to threatening. And so, a colleague of mine, Frank Wanker, decided to enter the fray. Armed only with his impressive CV and his wit, he wrote to the CNA and to some of the members.
Frank has asked me to list the correspondence on my webiste, which I happily do. Frank's letters are in blue, the various replies are in black. You may wish to read the CNA's campaign page first.
Letter to the Center for Nursing Advocacy Executive Director Subject: Correspondence regarding 'Nurse Quacktitioner' dolls
Dear Sandy,
I am writing to you via my personal email account regarding correspondence with many of the members of the doctors.uk website. On behalf of this website, the members have asked me to write to you expressing their views.
1) We wish to make it clear that we are sorry that you and your members have become offended by our support for the Nurse Quacktitioner doll. We realise that the British and American sense of humour is very different, and whereas, on our side of the Atlantic, we may find the whole concept hilarious, we appreciate that American nurses may become offended. Indeed, I can see analogies, as the British Medical Association has worked hard to protect the image of doctors in the media - they managed to get a toy bear similar to a care bear called 'Doctor Lovebear' banned as we felt it unprofessional.
2) There appears to be confusion over the amount of training that nurses in the USA receive. I realise that nurses need to spend a lot of time in training. In the UK, the 5-6 years at university represents basic medical training. GP doctors receive a further 5 years of training, Senior GP have another 10 years at university. Medical directors such as myself have over 15 years at university. I myself am currently in part-time training, reading the 'Holistic care in para-psychological paradigm frameworks applies to patient throughput management' Masters degree.
3) There is a view that nurses enter that profession because they are too thick to become doctors. I disagree with this viewpoint entirely, and feel that public perceptions need to be altered. Indeed, in unpublished work by James Blunt and Robbie Williams, it was found that there is very little different in the IQ (European scales) between applicants to medical and nursing degrees. The fact that nurses chose to enter jobs with much less pay and respect than medical jobs reveals more about the characteristics and duty of nurses than it does about the desire for financial gain.
4) It is good that you found support from your Physician colleagues in the US. My nursing colleagues frequently have to nag me about matters important to them, such as their charity work, equal opportunities matters, and paying them from month to month.
5) The amount of 'anti-nurse bigotry' continues to surprise me. From members of the above website (some of them anonymous) I have had nurses be called all sorts following the Nurse Quacktitioner matter, including : humourless; sour-faced ratbags; rabid doctor-hating hags; venom spewing harpies; fat slags; hairy lesbian yetis; hideous interfering gorgons; and monstrous piles of dragon poo. I have edited out the vast amount of filth that was thrown in your direction; one foul mouthed colleague suggested that you should : Go and s*** a t*** from my a***, you b****** f******* spack****s. Not a very nice thing for a professional to read.
6) Be careful how you describe historic figures; they are perceived differently in the UK. Benny Hill is a revered figure of comedy, responsible for shifts in British public behaviour towards womens rights and racial and sexual equality. He was an outspoken figure, and his lighthearted humour brought mirth to millions. Indeed, his TV special, 'Oops matron!' holds the second highest ever TV ratings record in the UK, of 70 million viewers. Likewise, Mohanda Ghandi is still considered to be a terrorist against the British Empire, and is made fun of as a nappy (?diaper in american) wearing fakir, in a similar way that Saddam is viewed in the States. It would not be wise to quote him too much.
My apologies that this email is hastily written; I have just completed a 40 patient Medical Onanism clinic in which a great many of the patients required therapy - hard work indeed!
I look forward to further correspondence from you and your members,
Yours faithfully
Frank
--
Dr Frank Wanker MBBChir FRCP FRCPh FRCS PhD
Medical Director
City University of North Thames
Diclaimer : This is my home address and does not represent the views of rhe City University.
A reply from 'Stewie Git', sent from the CNA's medical advisor Dear Dr. Wanker,
I am writing in reply to your kind message to Sandy Summers about that horrid Mattel "Nurse Quacktitioner." Sandy is very busy, but she passed the message to her advisor Harry. He's also kind of busy, but he asked that I--really just a family friend and no agent of the Center for Nursing Advocacy--dash off something quick to say thanks. I'm sending it out on Harry's account, to which you may respond if you wish.
Let me respond to a few of your helpfully numbered points.
1. Thank you so much for your understanding of how throwing ugly slurs in the faces of disempowered groups and impressionable children might be a bit iffy, since that has such a profound effect on their well-being, and indeed, that of society itself. We were distressed to learn that some heartless soul had tried to exploit the devastating "lovebear" stereotype that has kept physicians down these many years, but so encouraged to hear that the valiant BMA--always defending the downtrodden--was able to take effective action against it.
2. Thanks also for the helpful explanation of medical training in the UK. We here had been concerned that perhaps U.K. physicians had only five years of university training, as some of their CV's indicate, and this of course led to grave concerns about the tenuous positions from which they were expressing hateful contempt for veteran nurse practitioners who actually had more theoretical and practical experience. But we were relieved to hear that the training of UK physicians is really not so different from that of US physicians. I myself, as medical overseer at the University of West Maryland, spent 22 years at university before I was permitted to see a patient. And even then, he was dead.
3. We appreciate your kind words about nurses' intelligence and their noble, angelic qualities, which more than make up for any embarrassing deficits in intellect, even if they are a bit stereotypical (don't tell the nurses I said that!). In particular, though we have spent a great deal of time on comparative physician-nurse IQ research, we actually were not familiar with the Blunt and Williams work you mention. We are of course well versed in the classic Mercury and May, as well as the more recent Antony and Johnsons. Please let us know if you'd like to discuss those further!
4. We were aghast to have all our suspicians about festering anti-nurse attitudes among UK physicians confirmed in this point; in fact, we fainted straight away at all that awful dirty talk and had to be revived by that polite young man next door, Mr. Mathers, who was just on his way back to Detroit. Thank you so much for censoring the worst of it to protect us, because most of us are of the gentler sex, and if people started sending us a lot of nasty emails--or emails that challenged the way we thought about things, or suggested we might not be such great people at all--why, I don't know what we'd do! I think we might have to contact their ISP and cry and moan about how they were being so mean and violating the rules and please make them stop it right away, because our tender little feelings just can't take it! you big bad email bullies! waaaaaah!
5. Your comments about the social advances wrought by Benny Hill and, conversely, what you describe as the "terrorist" side of Mahatma Ghandi just go to show how much we Americans have to learn about your ancient and esteemed culture. But doubleplusgood to you for filling us in! The serious Ghandi stuff really is a bit beyond us, I must admit; we can sort of tell the difference between Saddam and Jesus, but beyond that it's pretty much a guessing game. In fact, I was going to wish you a happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which it is here in the States, but now I'm not so sure. But I must say we were surprised about Benny Hill. Some smarty-pants told us he was just a stupid misogynous wanker, and a signal of a great culture seemingly defaced beyond recognition by post-colonial decay and ennui, and it turns out he was really a great guy guiding us into a bright new day!
We simply can't thank you enough for the understanding for the plight of nurses in your letter. So many of the letters we've gotten are so nasty, it's a pleasure to read one from someone who truly wants to bridge the gap and make a sincere effort to address the nursing crisis that has claimed thousands of lives around the world. Most Malawian nurses, for instance, seem to be taking care of your people! Isn't that something?
In any case, rest assured that we will take you up on your offer to let our members in on the fact that there is at least one kind, enlightened physician in the UK, one who really values his nurse colleagues and would never knowingly set out to spread more hate without provocation. I think you can expect many appreciative emails along the lines of this one. You suggest that you are not speaking for the City University, but we think a letter such as yours merits follow-up, so we are taking the liberty of contacting the university for all the particulars, so that we can thank you in a more substantial way. You are far too modest!
Best wishes with your onanism clinic. We understand completely about that kind of thing--in fact, we have an all-physician television show about that over here, it's called "House," starring your very own Hugh Laurie. By the way--isn't Laurie a girl's name?
Have a nice day!
Dr. Stewie Git, Bachelor of Medicine, with lots of additional university-related training, really Medical Overseer
University of West Maryland
A reply from Frank Wanker
Dear Dr Git,
Many thanks for taking the time to write back to me. I, and the other members of doctors.uk, always appreciate intelligent debate in the issues such as this, and mass correspondence always goes down well - I find such mass debate should be positively encouraged.
I was surprised to find out that Sandy was female; the name is not very common in the UK. Indeed, the only Sandy that I have known (apart from the anorexic one in Grease) was an american student when I was at Cambridge, and he was a very butch male. Except for when he was caught wearing a dress, but is was Cambridge.
Like myself, you have an unusual name. I had a great deal of difficultly getting my name recognised in the 90s when my research was published, as some in the UK consider the name 'Wanker' to be a playground slur, as they do with most German origin surname. However, if you medline, you will find me. I have been advised to change my name. However, I come from a long line of Wankers. There have been many Wankers, especially in politics and the police, and the name can be traced throughout Europe for many centuries. The Latin family motto, Carpe corpus cavernosum' is one I take proudly.
Please feel free to write to the City University of North Thames - they always appreciate feedback from organisations such as yours. Despite its small size, and reputation for being damp, the City University of North Thames remains very popular. Many young men struggle to get in, and have a fun time during their stay.
One further comment on the Nurse Quacktitioner doll - the doctors.net.uk website is having an informal poll about how, if a 'General Quacktitioner' doll was produced by Mattell and marketed in the UK, how many doctors would buy it (or have it bought for them). Although the poll size is small, it remains 100% in favour.
One again, feedback from yourself, Sandy or your members is valued.
Yours warmly,
Frank
--
Dr Frank Wanker MBBChir FRCP FRCPh FRCS PhD
Medical Director
City University of North Thames
Disclaimer : This is my home address and does not represent the views of the City University.
A reply from Stewie Git
Dear Dr Wanker,
Thanks for your note.
I have become aware of just how much serious, free-wheeling discussion is appreciated on the doctors.uk site. This no doubt explains the site's inclusive access policy, and its members' easygoing way about unsolicited comment. No "master class" insularity for you! And I have to admit that when we saw most of the messages from your network, with their effortless use of heady concepts like "nursey," "wannabe," and our mutual favorite "quack," our first thought certainly was: "intelligent debate."
Your comments about the name Sandy are very enlightening. To tell you the truth, none of us are really quite sure what gender our Sandy is, as we are a bit too scared to get very close. It would take a bigger man than most of us to get past all the physician bones piled up outside her lair! On the name in general, I do seem to recall hearing about some UK singer from the 1960's and 1970's named Sandy, rumored to be female. In folk circles, I believe she was reputed to be quite the seminal force. As for my own name, I too come from a long and distinguished line. In fact, in recent years many have said that the Gits seem to be running some of the most prominent institutions of this great nation.
I am not surprised at the results of your "General Quacktitioner" poll. I don't wish to boast, but I myself have been part of some modest research that might interest you. Colleagues and I measured the offense taken by ethnic and religious minorities, women, GLBT people and so on to the worst epithets commonly hurled at them. Then we compared that to the offense taken by straight white Christian males with an annual average salary of US$120,000 to the term "greedy gringo Jesus-freak ------." (Well, I'm too modest to say the last bit, but it has to do with being male.) In stark contrast to the reactions of the dispossessed groups--but in an astonishing parallel with your own findings--the rich white dudes pretty much just laughed and went back to the Pinot Noir!
Best regards.
Dr. Stewie Git
Medical Overseer
University of West Maryland
An open letter from Frank Wanker to the Members of the Center for Nursing Advocacy
Dear All,
I am writing to you on behalf of the doctors on the UK website, doctors.uk; many of you have written letters to that website, so I will try to discuss some of the views of the members. I am a UK doctor who has done research in the US, I may even have met some of you when I worked at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Centre researching Lipopolysaccharide disorders - see http://iai.asm.org/cgi/reprint/63/3/858.pdf.
1) We wish to make it clear that we are sorry that you and your members have become offended by our support for the Nurse Quacktitioner doll. We realise that the British and American sense of humour is very different, and whereas, on our side of the Atlantic, we may find the whole concept hilarious, we appreciate that American nurses may become offended. Indeed, I can see analogies, as the British Medical Association has worked hard to protect the image of doctors in the media - they managed to get a toy bear similar to a care bear called 'Doctor Lovebear' banned as we felt it unprofessional.
2) There appears to be confusion in British doctors over the amount of training that nurses in the USA receive. I realise that nurses need to spend a lot of time in training. In the UK, the 5-6 years at university represents basic medical training. GP doctors receive a further 5 years of training, Senior GP have another 10 years at university. Medical directors such as myself have over 15 years at university. I myself am currently in part-time training, reading the 'Holistic care in para-psychological paradigm frameworks applied to patient throughput management' Masters degree.
3) There is a popular misconception among British doctors that nurses enter that profession because they are not intellectually gifted enough to become doctors. I disagree with this viewpoint entirely, and feel that public perceptions need to be altered. Indeed, in unpublished work by Anita Hanchobb and Mike Oxbigg, it was found that there is very little different in the IQ (European scales) between applicants to medical and nursing degrees. The fact that nurses chose to enter jobs with much less pay and respect than medical jobs reveals more about the characteristics and duty of nurses than it does about the desire for financial gain.
4) The amount of 'anti-nurse bigotry' continues to surprise me. From members of the above website (some of them anonymous) I have had nurses be called all sorts following the Nurse Quacktitioner matter, including : humourless; sour-faced ratbags; rabid doctor-hating hags; venom spewing harpies; fat slags; hairy lesbian yetis; hideous interfering gorgons; and monstrous piles of dragon poo. I have edited out the vast amount of filth that was thrown in your direction; one foul mouthed colleague suggested that you should : Go and s*** a t*** from my a***, you b****** f******* spack****s. Not a very nice thing for a professional to read.
5) Be careful how you describe historic figures; they are perceived differently in the UK. Benny Hill is a revered figure of comedy, responsible for shifts in British public behaviour towards women's rights and racial and sexual equality. He was an outspoken figure, and his lighthearted humour brought mirth to millions. Indeed, his TV special, 'Oops matron!' holds the second highest ever TV ratings record in the UK, of 70 million viewers. Likewise, Mohanda Ghandi is still considered to be a terrorist against the British Empire, and is made fun of as a nappy (?diaper in american) wearing fakir. It would not be wise to quote him too much.
I am always happy to pass your views on the members of the UK medical profession.
Yours warmly,
Frank.
PS : You may wish to contact e-bay about the Nurse Quacktitioner doll. They are selling like hotcakes.
--
Dr Frank Wanker MBBChir FRCP FRCPh FRCS PhD
Medical Director
City University of North Thames
Disclaimer : This is my home address and does not represent the views of the City University.
A reply from Karen
Thanks for the support and the heads up on e-BAY. Your response does shed some light on your views. I will forward an email I got just before yours that shows the more likely response some of your colleagues have been sending.
A reply from Dolores
Thank you for your letter and your perspective as well as comparison to the issue with the Dr. Lovebear doll.
You provide a well-balanced perspective.
btw, the activity on ebay appears to be auctioneers desperately trying to dump their dolls. The prices are at rock bottom.
A reply from Carol
Dear Frank,
Thank you so much for your comments and your insight! My father told me years ago that there are usually three versions to every story -- your version, my version, and the way it really happened! It is only through civil discussions that we can ever hope to see the other person's point of view on anything. I appreciate your taking the time to state your thoughts so eloquently. You point out the cultural differences that helped fuel the debate and they are always important to remember.
I believe that you really would support the profession of nurse practitioner if you had the opportunity to work with us. I hope that you had the privilege of working with some good nurse practitioners while you were here in the US and I would welcome the opportunity to work with you.
Best of luck to you and thank you again for your kind message.
A reply from Victoria
Dear Frank,
Excuse the pun, but thank you so much for being "frank" and honest. I appreciate your openness and your support of our efforts to make the public, and not just the UK aware of the offensiveness of the Nurse Quacktitioner doll.
It is not that we don't have a sense of humor. It is just that we are offended when what we as professionals do is not taken seriously. There is such a great need for nurses throughout the world, and when people who may have thought about entering the profession view these types of unrealistic stereotypes, they may choose not to become nurses (or even doctors) because "I don't want people to think that I am a "Quack". It is indeed refreshing to receive an email such as yours in light of the one I received from one of your UK colleagues a few days ago. Here is what name_removed@doctors.org.uk wrote in response to the email that you read-
hi there, the reply acts as a QED to my letter: pompousness and self importance on a grand scale - that's what you proffer. the lack of the ability to laugh about oneself is a clear indicator of insecure people ... real doctors for example would love mattel to do a DOG-TOR doll with hush-puppy style, big, fluffy ears - but hey: that's the difference between the real thing and the wannabees ... keep on fretting - until foam comes out of your mouth! this sight of american nurses on the war path makes me understand more about your contry's style of politics than i ever thought i would ...
I found it hard to believe that a professional could and would write in such a negative manner. What is more amazing is that with all the years she supposedly spent in school, she would allow so many typos in her email . Anyway, I got the premise of what she was trying to say, and to say the least, it was both hurtful and demeaning. I believe that doctors and nurses should be willing to work hand and hand as we both need the other.
Not everyone who becomes a nurse does so because he or she couldn't become a doctor. I, for one, never aspired to be a doctor. I felt my calling as a nurse from an early age, and I have never regretted that decision. I love what I do. Yes, the money could be better for what we do, but what greater reward is there than to know that you made a positive difference in someone's life?
Thank, you again, Frank for your candidness and your support. It was much appreciated. Also, Benny Hill was a favorite comedian of mine as well. It was good to get a little bit of autobiographical history about him. I didn't realize how much more he did in his all too short-lived life.
A reply from Patricia
Dear Dr. Frank,
I accepted your response warmly and with sincerity. If only people could respond as you did and explain differences in the manner you chose! This would certainly be a better world if we could accept our differences with respect. Our emails were answered unprofessionally, without consideration of our view or differences. The gal who responded lacked respect and insight regarding the issue. Thank you for taking the time to share your views, and yes, we American nurses know that hospitals, homecare and the like would not be active without us or our support. It's not a pompous attitude, it's our life work.
A second letter from Frank Wanker
Dear all,
Thanks ever so much for you kind replies. I have been happy to share some of your specific points with the doctors.uk website, and people are starting to pay attention to them. To answer a few points that some of you have made:
1) I feel that you really do need to expand your campaign to ebay. I had a look for the nurse quacktitioner dolls, and there were at least 20 for sale, one having 12 bids. They seem to be selling like hot-cakes. The results in the US and UK may be different. I am not sure how you can approach this – perhaps by boycotting ebay while you are at work?
2) Many thanks to Victoria, who made me laugh by her pun on my name 'Frank' ; 'To be frank…'. I usually have snide comments made about my surname, which is a playground insulting term in Canada. My name comes from the same German route as 'Wagner', and there have been Wankers throughout many positions in Europe. Indeed, there are several in the British political system.
3) Thank you for your support about the 'Doctor Lovebear' doll. Abuse of the medical profession continues in the UK. Look at this for some of the slurs we have to endure:
http://www.t-shirts.co.uk/product.asp?dept%5Fid=10&sku=30&mscssid=GNB7DNQED64W8GP10B8UV3T0U6S8B02B
4) Name_removed is in fact a bloke (I think the Americanism is 'dude'). Names often confuse people across different sides of the Atlantic; for a while, I though Sandy Summers was male; in fact, I have only come across one Sandy before (apart from the anorexic one in Grease) and he was a Canadian who studied at Cambridge with he. He was a rather butch male (except for the occasion he was caught wearing womens clothing). Anyway, I digress…
5) I agree with your views that comparing doctors and nurse practitioners to airline pilots and stewardesses is not remotely helpful. After all, the comparison doesn't hold very well. Pilots would look rather daft wearing stewardess uniforms and serving nuts and drinks! (Although they could dress as stewards, but airline stewards and stewardesses are a different breed). Likewise, if a stewardess could get a pilot's license, then of course she could fly a plane, in some cases better than a pilot, no doubt. Empowerment of females in traditionally male roles is very important. Indeed, I have seen American films where all three pilots have been rendered unfit to fly and a stewardess has had to land the plane! I can't say that I've heard of this in the UK.
I feel that communication in this way will help develop bonds between US Nurse practitioners and UK doctors; as such bondage is very rewarding. Our departmental 'Modern Matron' (a senior nursing manager position in the UK), Gavin, tells me that he is very much into this; indeed, he is developing a framework for training at the hospital. He is calling it Building Developments in Specialist Medicine. His work in this field has left him feeling rather tied down – as he puts it, he sometimes 'feels like he is a slave being punished' by the management.
Anyway, I am keeping this brief as I am continuing a set of research Medical Onanism (part of genitourinary medicine) clinics. I hope to polish them off by the end of the month, and firmly tackling the task. This is a developing speciality, and my patients are always relieved to see an expert. Funding is low, and some patients get discharged before we would like. Such is the life of a research physician!
I truly welcome your replies,
Yours warmly,
Frank
--
Dr Frank Wanker MBBChir FRCP FRCPh FRCS PhD
Medical Director
City University of North Thames
Disclaimer : This is my home address and does not represent the views of the City University.
A reply from Barbara Thanks Dr. Wanker,
I was going to mention something about your last name, but thank you for clarifying the origin of your surname. Thanks for your letter. I think in the best interests of all, we should try to keep a sense of humor based on mutual respect and concern for who we ultimately care for--patients!
A reply from Jill
Doctors,
While I'm not certain that the UK will prepare NPs in the same manner that I was trained, I feel well-qualified to do the job I am doing--managing chronic conditions such as diabetes, hypertension, and hyperlipidemia in an indigent population while meeting their routine health maintenance needs. This involves a lot of record-keeping; dosage-adjustments or adding medications based on the A1c, LDL, LFTs/ CK, etc.; completing applications for pharmaceutical patient assistance programs and Medicare; referrals to free screening programs (mammograms, podiatry, ophthalmology, dental); doing the annual PAP, PSA and FOBT, patient-education; and lots of support. My physician colleagues are easily bored by most of these activities. They love to diagnose and treat, not manage. They often switch their patients to me or my NP colleague because we put in the time to do all the little mundane things that get the patients to their treatment goals. Before you dismiss NPs, come and see how things are going over here. I believe that you'll be pleasantly surprised.